A while ago, I was having a conversation with Neeraj and his wife Sejal. We discussed friendships, male bonding and so many other things. I sighed and told him that I have been unlucky in friendship. Somehow, long-standing friendship has always eluded me.
Neeraj smiled a little too widely and asked me if at times I wondered if I knew how to keep friendships? Was I unlucky with friendships or was I just not good at keeping friends? A casual statement perhaps but one that hit home. The inevitable introspection that followed, circled around my friendships and the friends I lost.
Did they lose me or did I lose them? What happened along the way? I think all friendships have a fallout somewhere. I think this not as an exception but as a rule. Small fights, expectations and ambitions all come in the way of what started out as the most innocent associations in the world. But one word that kept coming into my mind is the word "unforgiving". It is not how we deal with what happens after the fallout that decides the fate of our friendship but our personalities. There are two kinds of personalities I know of in the realm of hurt management--they are explosive and implosive, or so some people who cared to study the stuff tell me.
The explosive sort shouts out of their hurt and makes peace with the situation or not. depending on the case. The implosive kind are like me, who take the hurt to the private recesses of their minds, mull and brood over it, keep the pain close to the hearts and never let the person know about it. The implosive kind are unforgiving (I can forgive since I cannot remain angry with someone for very long), they just move away and abandon their friendships forever. Yes, I am forgiving, despite of coming into the implosive kind of people. I carry every little wound close to my heart like a medal which will never be taken off. Now I know that's the reason why I have lost so many friends.
Perhaps, if I another way of dealing with fallout in friendships, I would have been a 'friend-rich' guy. But I am what I am and I can't change that. What I am at home is what I am at school or college. I am what I am with my friends too. I love deeply and get hurt quickly. That's me. That is what makes me write this column. It makes me wonder about every aspect of life. This is what makes me, me. I am ready to be lonely all through my life because there is no friend in the world who will not hurt you and there is no friendship that wouldn't pass through rough phases.
That is the character of friendship and what friendship is all about. This piece is for all implosive and unforgiving people like me. This is to say that there's nothing wrong with our friendship...but there's something wrong with us. Don't ever say that you haven't been unlucky in friendship. But just be aware of the fact that you have a problem with healing.